Growing Up Gay
“The unprecedented growth of the gay community in recent history has
transformed our culture and consciousness, creating radically new possibilities
for people to ‘come out’ and live more openly as homosexuals”(Herdt 2). Before
the 1969’s Stonewall riot in New York, homosexuality was a taboo subject.
Research concerning homosexuality emphasized the etiology, treatment, and
psychological adjustment of homosexuals. Times have changed since 1969.
Homosexuals have gained great attention in arts, entertainment, media, and
politics. Yesterday’s research on homosexuality has expanded to include trying
to understand the different experiences and situations of homosexuals (Ben-Ari
89-90). Despite the transition, little consideration has been given to
understanding the growing population of gay adolescents. 25% of American
families are likely to have a gay child (Hidalgo 24); In the United States,
three million adolescents are estimated to be homosexual. Yet, American society
still ignores gay adolescents. Majority of children are raised in heterosexual
families, taught in heterosexual establishments, and put in heterosexual peer
groups. Gay adolescents often feel forced by parents to pass as “heterosexually
normal” (Herdt 2). As a result, homosexual teens hide their sexual orientation
and feelings, especially from their parents. Limited research conducted on gay
young adults on disclosure to parents generally suggests that disclosure is a
time of familial crisis and emotional distress. Very few researchers argue that
disclosure to parents results in happiness, bringing parents and children closer
(Ben-Ari 90). The debate over homosexuality as nature or nurture dominates most
topics about homosexuality.
People often confuse the nature/nurture issue with
the development of gay identity. In fact, the nature/nurture argument plays a
small, insignificant role concerning gay youths (Walling 11). Homosexual
identity is the view of the self as homosexual in association with romantic and
sexual situations (Troiden 46) Many researchers have either discussed or created
several models or theories concerning the development of homosexual identity.
However, the most prominent is Troiden’s sociological four-stage model of
homosexual identity formation. Dr. Richard R. Troiden describes the development
of homosexual identity in four stages: sensitization, identity confusing,
identity assumption, and commitment. During the stages of homosexual identity
development, many gay adolescents encounter many preconceptions and assumptions
regarding homosexuality. These assumptions are presumption of heterosexuality,
presumption of inversion, and recognition of stigma (Herdt 4-5). Using Troiden’s
model as a guide, the present paper examines the four stages of homosexual
identity development as it affects both gay children and parents. Section one
concentrates on the first two stages of homosexual identity formation and the
ordeals gay adolescents and parents before disclosure. Section two explains the
third and fourth stages of homosexual identity development. Finally, section
three discusses parents’ reactions to the disclosure, and the relationship with
their child thereafter. The Pre-Disclosure Period The first stage of homosexual
identity development, sensitization, occurs before puberty. In the sensitization
stage, gay adolescents experience feelings of being “different” and marginal
from same gender peers (Troiden 50). Comments such as the following illustrate
what boys feel during this stage: I had a keener interest in the arts; I never
learned to fight; I just didn’t feel I was like other boys.
I was very fond of
pretty things like ribbons and flowers and music; I was indifferent to boy’s
games, like cops and robbers. I was more interested in watching insects and
reflecting on certain things. (Durby 5) However, during this time, children do
not associate feelings as being homosexual or heterosexual; these categories
have no significance to pre-teens (Troiden 52). Gay youngsters and their parents
encounter the presumption of heterosexuality. The heterosexual assumption starts
during the sensitization stage; however, the effects can be longterm. The
presumption of heterosexuals is the belief that being heterosexual is superior,
“heterosexual ethnocentricity” Everyone is heterosexual; to be “different” is to
be inferior (Herdt 5). American society has strict defined male and female
roles. Conformity is highly valued. Going against conformity especially gender
abnormality is viewed with derision and usually awarded with disgrace and
contempt (Isay 30). What is important is the masculine/feminine dichotomy
underlines heterosexual/homosexual dichotomy. Parents force gender conformity in
elementary children and even pre-school children when children display
nonconformist gender roles. Many parents fear that if their son is exposed to
homosexuality or even the negative beliefs of homosexuality then their child
might be recruited or seduced into the gay lifestyle (Taylor 41). The
sensitization stage can be a very difficult time for gay youngsters. Children
who display nonconformist gender behavior are more likely to be pressure by
parents and peers to change their behavior (Mallon, Helping 83). Feeling
“different” and becoming self-alienated have been related to the heterosexual
assumption. Among the most powerful causes are early homosexual and sexual
encounters and disinterest in many of several gender conformist sorts, such as
indifferent to the opposite sex or to sports. Gays tend to have their first
sexual contact at an earlier age than heterosexuals do, although no evidence
indicates prehomosexual boys develop earlier than heterosexual boys do.
Researchers argue that unusual disinterest in girls or sports reinforce the
social alienation of gays, because team sports and dating are key components of
peer groupings (Herdt 6). One of the primary responses in feeling “different” is
the decline of self-esteem because of the damaging isolation. Another response
is to displace self-interest from sports and dating to intellectual or artistic
feats.
A third response is to engage in secret same-sex romantic relations (7).
Once the feeling of being “different” occurs, another perception emerges, the
presumption of inversion. In this perception, gay individuals have gender
conflict because of their reversal of gender behavior. This conflict arises from
the stereotype that if one is not heterosexual then you must be abnormal: the
“invert” (Herdt 7). Gay adolescents lack “gay knowledge,” that is, there is an
absence of a real positive knowledge of homosexuality identity. The inversion
assumption is misrepresentation, which can cause serious damage to gay teens’
well being. Feeling abnormal, gay young males think that they must display
characteristics of females in order to “fit in”, causing hyperfemininity in
males (8). Identity confusion is the second stage of homosexual identity
formation. Gay males start to become aware that these feelings and behavior
might be connected to homosexuality (Troiden 52). Gay teenagers experience inner
confusion and ambiguity. Their identity is “stuck in the middle”: they no longer
consider themselves as heterosexuals, yet they have not yet viewed themselves as
gay. The early phase of identity confusion is described as: You are not sure who
you are. You are confused about what sort of person you are and where your life
is going. You ask yourself the questions “Who am I?,” “Am I a homosexual?,” “Am
I really heterosexual?” (Cass 53) By middle to late adolescence, gay teens start
to begin perceives themselves as gay. Many homosexual describe this phase like
the following: You feel that you probably are homosexual, although you’re not
definitely sure. You feel distant or cut off [other people]. You are beginning
think that it might help to meet other homosexuals but you’re not sure whether
you really want to or not. You prefer to put on a front of being completely
heterosexual. (Cass 53) Gay males respond to identity confusion by taking on one
or more of the following tactics: (a) denial; (b) repair; (c) avoidance; (d)
redefinition; and, (e) acceptance (Troiden 56). In denial, gay adolescents deny
their homosexual feelings. Repair involves efforts to eliminate homosexual
emotions. Homosexual tend to steer away from homosexuality in avoidance (57).
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